Most of my days are spent hanging out with my little boy, entertaining him and listening to his non-stop babbling and giggling. They are pretty close to perfection. I have never spent more time laughing, never been so proud of what I accomplish each day, and never had a job that was so much fun, but there are moments when I struggle just to hear my own thoughts.
I now realize that there were all of these little opportunities built into my pre-baby life, time to wander in my own head space, that are just gone. Standing in a crowded subway car, walking to the office, shopping for groceries, grabbing some lunch, going to the bathroom... everything accomplished easily and in silence.
Little Smith is a champion sleeper but a difficult napper. Until he was nine months old every single nap he took was with me, strapped in a carrier or nestled in my arms. I cherish my memories of those snugly days, but it was also exhausting. I would lie down with him but still feel tired. I didn't actually realize it at the time, but I was drained from the simple lack of time alone.
Now we do get a nap or two (almost) every day. Often I do chores or work, but there are days when I drop everything and drink in the peace. I read, I listen to the whirr of the ceiling fan and the cars on the road, and I let my mind drift. Sometimes I feel lazy, guilty that it's a Wednesday afternoon and the world is working while I sink into my pillow... but the more I indulge in this time to myself the more I realize its importance.
I also do love when Little Smith breaks the silence, waking up and calling 'mama' so that we can babble and sing our way through another very loud and busy afternoon. I'm so lucky to have my toddling partner who makes sure I never feel lonely, and also lucky to be able carve out just a little time to be alone.