January 6, 2014

My Baby


Five months ago this giggling and drooling baby was a swell in my belly, an extension of my own body. Now I look into her eyes and there is a whole separate person, this tiny soul staring back at me. It's obvious, yet still surreal. I've done this before and knew exactly what to expect, but witnessing a child's first year of life is proving every bit as miraculous the second time around.

Soon she will sit, then eat, crawl and walk... I realize it's all coming, but my brain can't make the leap. I think forward to the summer garden and picture my perfect little peach in my arms, just as she is now. Of course the reality is that she'll be more independent, mobile, and getting into mischief. She will be completely different with every passing month. It's the cliche of parenthood that it goes too fast, but the love I feel for each new change leaves me both with full heart, and heartache.


Possibly because she is likely our last baby, or simply because I have the experience to know that it all ends before there is time for adequate appreciation, I am hopelessly grasping at every smile as though it could vanish. Tomorrow she might wake up transformed, older and different, and while history tells me that I will love every stage more than the last, I want more time with this little drooling mouth. 


It's an irrational thought, and I do look forward to watching her grow, to seeing the little girl  that will be waiting for me when the leaves drop next fall. I write this journal and take these pictures so that I can remember each crease and roll, and when they melt away, this will have to be enough. But right now, I get to hold this glorious baby, smell the top of her fuzzy head, feed her in the quiet black of night. I love her like crazy, and I'm so very grateful.

11 comments:

  1. Dear Lilly, sorry to comment your post again ... but it still feels so good to "have" a mother thinking and feeling the same way I do, even I can't hear your words but read them, even I can only see you in pictures. Parenting in Germany is so different from what I read in your blog and what I do myself! All of my friends gave their babies (!) into day-care-centres when they were about a half or one and a half year old! And go to work. Can you imagine this? They don't see their children growing! They miss all these overwhelming moments when your baby laughs at you the first time, it starts to crawl, can sit alone, eats its first meal all alone with a spoon (what a mess!), etc. For nothing in the world I want miss all these precious moments!
    But all these things were different to me with my first child, Peter. Everything was new and I was like "Look!!!!! He can crawl!!!!!!" or "Look!!!!! He can eat!!!!" When Leni, my little daughter, started to walk around all alone I was like "Thank God, she can finally walk." It was different, I enjoyed it in anaother way, leaning back, relaxed, looking at her how she was making progresses. I always say Leni is "in the flow of my daily life" (in German we've got a word for what I mean, I could only exress that in these words, sorry for that ...). That makes time with her so relaxing, I think.
    Leni will be my last kid as well as Ruby will be yours. I always wanted three, I lost my first baby but now I have two healthy kids. My husband has a daughter, Lili, she's twelve, with another woman and last summer he had a vasectomy. We don't want to have more children, three is enough! Hope, these words are not to private?

    Enjoy your baby! She's soooo cute! I love her eyes and her smile! She looks a bit like you, doesn't she?
    Greetings from Germany again! TINE

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    1. I appreciate your comments, always! I also have friends who have gone back to work full time, others who do part time work and some who stay home... what works for each woman to be the best mama they can be really does seem to vary. For me, I really can't imagine not being here every day, and I am super grateful for that opportunity (as thankless at it can seem sometimes!). It is so tough knowing that it's probably your last baby when you are a baby lover isn't it?! So so bittersweet.

      Thanks so much and enjoy your cuties too!

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  2. That fuzzy hair and drool slay me - cherish away Mama! - Skye

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    1. I know, who would have thought that drool could be adorable- those babies are wizards at cuteness :)

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  3. She is so sweet! And I can totally relate! It is like the knowing how fast it goes with the first one makes you more conscious of how quickly it goes with the second one. Also, I read somewhere that parents actually view their youngest children as much smaller (physically) than they really are. I totally get it. She is a real peach, Lilly!

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    1. I totally think it is making it harder this time now that I know how fast it all goes. I am trying harder to appreciate the moment but it's almost anxiety inducing ;) I just love having a rolly polly baby, but I do know how fun it is as they grow too.

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  4. Such sweet photos of them both! ;) You have to love a sweet cat and baby photo don't you? And your words. "...but the love I feel for each new change leaves me both with full heart, and heartache." I was thinking nearly the exact same thought as I was nursing Isadora to sleep tonight..so much heartbreak and so much heartwarming with these little ones. I can't stand the thought of her not being a baby anymore, and while the photos make me smile with joy they also make me get teary eyed each time I look at them. To be quite honest I sometimes feel frantic at how fast it has all gone. At the same time the joy of seeing her take steps and explore and purposefully do things to make us laugh and smile is amazing, the stretching her neck toward us for a kiss, the tickling our belly buttons, it's all so great. I'm not sure what I'm saying other than I am with you in these feelings and thank you for sharing, for I need the nudge to write, to photograph, to capture these fleeting moments.

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  5. P.S. I know I mentioned that I loved your caster wheels idea and how it made me want to put some on our wooden box of blocks and now it is done and it's perfect, so thank you for the idea! Iz says thanks as well - she likes to use it as a makeshift walker. :)

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    1. Oh I'm so glad! Personally I think everything is better with a few wheels :) Isadora is too cute, I always love seeing her little cherub face.

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  6. Oh my, such a sweet girl...the drool! I can't be around 5 mnth olds and not feel like maybe 1 more.... She's certainly not making it easy:-) A beautiful post she'll treasure.
    alison

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    1. Right?! I think 5 months might be the sweet spot, it's sort of the stage people are thinking of when they thing 'baby'. Thanks so much Alison.

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