October 1, 2013

More


I'm still stumbling through my days, always trying to get more done and perpetually puzzled at what exactly is keeping me so far behind in everything. There is so much I want to share here, photos to download, events to document, words to find. Little Smith started preschool and it just may be the cutest thing ever. He also moved into his new room and it's such a sweet space. We've been baking but rarely pausing to take pictures. We've been stealing a long walk every evening instead of making dinner, eating leftovers and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because those last few minutes of daylight are too precious to part with.

I have lists, endless lists on paper and in my phone and floating through my mind constantly... Not just the obvious chores that we can never get ahead of, but also projects; food I'd like to cook, knitting I want to start, design work I should follow through on, laying floor on the screen porch, building a bench for our back hall, starting on Halloween costumes, and spending more time here, tending to this space that I truly treasure. I want to be the kind of woman who gets things done and still has time reflect on all of it.

Then another day slips away, and I'm not sure what I've really accomplished except change a diaper, read a story, nurse my baby, prepare my son a meal, lay down with her, curl up with him, again and again and again... so nothing gets done. And I know that's exactly what needs to be done, but I'm frustrated and exhausted and ridiculously happy all at once. 

I'm not certain if that rhythm I've been searching for will be found. I'll keep trying, little by little.

20 comments:

  1. Oh gosh that is the cutest and most hesrt-warming photo I've seen this week. You're doing everything a good mum should be doing, enjoy your special family/bab moments. :)

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    1. Thank you! It's easy with babies :)

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  3. Awwww! She is the prettiest baby I've ever seen! She looks like a Cabbage Patch doll :)

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    1. Ha ha, she does look like a cabbage patch in this picture :)

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  4. This is the sweetest, most beautiful picture, Lilly! I know too well the feeling that you are accomplishing nothing- I think breastfeeding and caring for an infant is all-consuming, mentally, physically, and psychologically, really! I think we must be very similar- while some women really reveled in the doing nothing part of caring for their infants, I found it so stressful- mental lists were abundant and I never felt like I could stay on top of anything.
    That said, is it too cliche to say that it goes by too fast? That right now, I would just love to have an infant, head smelling like heaven, nestled in beside me? I know you are enjoying it. I also love that you're not making it all out to be a constant dream. The tough parts are just as important to remember, as they are a tribute to the sacrifices we make for love.

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    1. Thanks so much Lauren. I am so enjoying it, and this time around I'm so much better at appreciating each stage and not being so anxious to get to the next baby milestone. It's funny though, I was much easier on myself when W was a newborn. I wasn't sure if I was going back to work, it all felt very temporary and I let myself be slow. This time I feel like I should already have the motherhood gig down and get along with my life already. I love to be productive and creative (as we all do!), so it's tough to shelf all of that. I know I can't get these days back though, so I better appreciate them. I do appreciate them :)

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    2. A few too many "so's" in there, but you get the idea!

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  5. Hey Lilly,
    I think I know how you feel. I have been struggling in my head for years now, sometimes it made me very frustrated. Since my 2 kids (now 4 and 2.5yrs), I have plenty of lists too that don't get marked off as completed. I have come to terms with it slowly - by experience, not by choice. With 2 small kids, it's already a big job to take care of all of the daily routine and household tasks. Especially when you don't have good and long nights of sleep (which I still haven't for 4 years now). So I don't plan too many things on a day anymore. Otherwise it would be difficult for me to "survive" in a healthy way.
    Whenever my husband wants to squeeze in something on a weekendday, I warn him that our day is already full. Getting out for a small walk takes us at least twice the time compared to "before" with everyone getting ready and finding the right time in between naps and feedings.
    I really hope you can find peace in mainly taking care of kids for the upcoming year.
    Since a month or so my kids are becoming more independent, they play a lot by themselves now and I can tell you that it's sometimes hard for me that I can be missed ;-) I am now learning to deal with my "free" time which I am not used to anymore ;-). I am picking up my lists only now.

    Take care
    Natalie

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    1. Thank you for sharing your perspective Natalie, it's so interesting to hear from someone who is a few steps ahead of me. It's very true that the days are jammed full, even without any big activities. I'm looking forward to that independent stage, although I know I will also be missing this one!

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  6. Lovely peaceful photo! I have all sorts of projects I would like to do too, and I don't get to most of them. You are doing something so important right now - caring for your beautiful little ones. There just isn't enough time for all we want to do! That being said, it definitely gets easier to do things when the kids get a bit bigger. And you get more energy back too. :)

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    1. There isn't enough time, right!? I love having little babies and I know this is going to be my favorite time of life, just wish I could squeeze in a little more sleep and time to get other things accomplished. Never satisfied :)

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    1. Thank you, she is getting to be quite a cutie!

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  8. I hear you sister & feel you & totally relate. It seems like time just keeps ticking, darn it, and the lists just get longer-- hold on, take breaths-- you are beyond inspirational!

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    1. Yes! My lists are so long that the stuff at the top is becoming laughable... and now we're heading into those short winter days- sigh. Happy to at least have a couple cute snuggle bunnies to keep me company while I blow off my obligations :) Good luck on tackling your own!

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