April 4, 2012

A Plan

I like to focus on a goal. My favorite part of a project is imagining the final result; fuzzy glimpses of what might be that churn in my mind. It's rarely a linear process; new opportunities arise, disaster strikes... and I adapt that vision of my goal so that sometimes the result is far from what I first imagined.

It doesn't really matter that I end up where I planned on going, but it does matter that I have a plan. This has been my life, mapping out plan after plan. Yes I love an adventure, but I can't relax enough to enjoy it unless I know that I have a compass in my back pocket, just in case I get lost.

It's not my favorite quality, I  actually envy free spirits. Both my parents were free spirits and somehow despite that (because of that?), I am a planner. Having a child has rocked my little-planning-self to the core. From the moment that I knew I was pregnant (yes that was planned!) I had this overwhelming feeling of loss of control. As my baby turns into a little boy at lightening speed, it's increasingly clear that I am just along for this ride.

Of course I could still sit and plan for where we will be and what we will do next year... and the year after... but for the first time in my life, I don't want to plan a thing. What this last year has taught me is that with each passing month my little guy will be radically different; bigger, funnier, more his own person. I'm excited to learn who he will be, but trying to imagine those changes kind of makes my head explode.

I don't want to think about it or plan for anything at all. It's very unlike me, but I just want to enjoy every second of watching this little person in this moment... this child who a year ago was learning to laugh and two years ago was just a plan.

Family and friends often ask me what we do all day. It's hard to explain how much work it is; busy, exhausting, full of chores and juggling and learning... It's even harder to explain how I spent forty-five minutes watching my child's soft new hair in the light, how he noticed the sun overhead and discovered a little patch of grass. I couldn't have planned for an hour so sweet.


  1. Oh, I know this so very well! Being a planner and a mom do NOT always go hand in hand. Being a planner and life in general do NOT always go hand in hand :)

  2. I haven't been the best planner. In a year I will be finishing my master, and I have no idea yet what i will do after that. Everything somehow always works out though, and I trust it will again this time :)



  3. Beautifully put! What a great reminder to live in the moment.

  4. i totally understand your planning and finding it hard to let go. i'm quite the same...and being a teacher (in a former life..before being a mummy!) it was ALL about planning, every last minute. so i find that my days at home are also planned...

    but as you said, to take a moment (or 45 as the case may be!) to watch your children growing up...that's not planned and that's just as precious.

    thank you for this post :)

  5. Really lovely post. I so identify with this sentiment as I am such a planner myself. I have really struggled with the loss of control that motherhood brings, but I know that as frustrating as it can be it is so so good for my soul. What better way to learn how to truly let go and enjoy the moment than a child?

  6. As a major list-maker and planner, I identify with this so well! It's so hard to plan when you've got a little one who can change every thing so quickly. I think we just have to accept it, hang on for the ride, and enjoy every little moment! I often remind myself that one day I won't have a tiny baby to take care of, and there will be plenty of time for planning and doing then.