I like to focus on a goal. My favorite part of a project is imagining the final result; fuzzy glimpses of what might be that churn in my mind. It's rarely a linear process; new opportunities arise, disaster strikes... and I adapt that vision of my goal so that sometimes the result is far from what I first imagined.
It doesn't really matter that I end up where I planned on going, but it does matter that I have a plan. This has been my life, mapping out plan after plan. Yes I love an adventure, but I can't relax enough to enjoy it unless I know that I have a compass in my back pocket, just in case I get lost.
It's not my favorite quality, I actually envy free spirits. Both my parents were free spirits and somehow despite that (because of that?), I am a planner. Having a child has rocked my little-planning-self to the core. From the moment that I knew I was pregnant (yes that was planned!) I had this overwhelming feeling of loss of control. As my baby turns into a little boy at lightening speed, it's increasingly clear that I am just along for this ride.
Of course I could still sit and plan for where we will be and what we will do next year... and the year after... but for the first time in my life, I don't want to plan a thing. What this last year has taught me is that with each passing month my little guy will be radically different; bigger, funnier, more his own person. I'm excited to learn who he will be, but trying to imagine those changes kind of makes my head explode.
I don't want to think about it or plan for anything at all. It's very unlike me, but I just want to enjoy every second of watching this little person in this moment... this child who a year ago was learning to laugh and two years ago was just a plan.
Family and friends often ask me what we do all day. It's hard to explain how much work it is; busy, exhausting, full of chores and juggling and learning... It's even harder to explain how I spent forty-five minutes watching my child's soft new hair in the light, how he noticed the sun overhead and discovered a little patch of grass. I couldn't have planned for an hour so sweet.