We've enjoyed a couple of days of wonderful weather and I can't even describe how much fun it is to get outside for a few hours. Little Smith has gotten so big that he really takes over at the park and seems to have an instinct for finding an open gate and making a fast dash for the road- he's been sleeping well!
On the other hand I have not been sleeping well. I've been battling awful insomnia for weeks that's leaving me on the edge of zombie-hood all day long. Phases of sleeplessness have followed me for most of my life. It was an asset during college when I could pull consecutive all-nighters like a champ but now it's just frustrating that I can't will myself to drift off.
Sometimes I lie there tackling projects mentally, like how we'll move and organize Little Smith's room when he needs a real bed (which won't happen for another year) or how I'll sequence re caulking the bathtub or our garden plan... other times I just lie there worrying.
Last night my thoughts were circling around "staying at home". I went out for a drink with a group of baby-mamas which is always a welcome treat. We hadn't seen each other for a while so there was lots of catching up... the big topic of conversation was whether those of us at home were killing our careers. One woman who's trying to get back to a day job mentioned " No one will even look at you if you've been out of work for over a year". That's the kind of statement that sort of rings in your head.
It's something I've thought about again and again... and again until two in the morning last night. I'm a designer so of course I do still design. I'm still working on small projects and I'm sure that will continue to ramp up. I'll never shut off that part of my brain but I'm not devoting anywhere close to the hours or degree of obsession that I used to. It isn't my real job.
My job is days at the park, singing songs, changing diapers, listening to whining, preparing meals, sorting toys, and a million other tasks. It is a very different life from the one I had a year and a half ago, but it truly is what I want right now. There are times when like everyone I'm exhausted and bored or strained for money and I have doubts, but those times are the exception.
I do worry about where this is taking me down the road, because kids grow up so fast and then what? Having my own life and interests outside of my child is important to me, I want to be a whole person. I worry, but I also know that I am maintaining those interests. Even if I only complete a dozen insignificant mini-projects in a year instead of working on one or two giant ones, and even if some of my peers don't understand or respect what I'm doing, it feels right for me. I have a curious mind and a good work ethic and when and if I want to work at an office, I know I can find a way to do it. Right now I am choosing to be home every day. I don't know if that will last months or years or a lifetime but if I can make it work and it's what I want then it's what I'm going to do.
Why do I have to keep justifying that? I guess it's my own lack of confidence. Maybe I can work on that at two in the morning when I'm staring at the ceiling.